Office Jokes - Work Related

Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.



Finding:

As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.


:mrgreen:

http://www.dumbboss.com/


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny link about bosses.

John Cook Memo
1 John Cook, my drafting colleague, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. John works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. John never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. John is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that John can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that John be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.








Addendum:
That idiot, John Cook, was standing over my shoulder while I wrote that report, I sent you earlier today.
Kindly re-read the report again but only the odd numbered lines.

40 Things you'd love to say at work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your a cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

Top 10 - Sleeping at Your Desk Excuses...

What to say when caught sleeping at your desk:




10.
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9.
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8.
"Whew!
Guess I left the top off the White-Out.
You probably got here just in time!"

7.
"I wasn't sleeping!
I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6.
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5.
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?"

4.
"Damm!
Why did you interrupt me?
I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3.
"The coffee machine is broken..."

2.
"Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot..."

1.
".....in Jesus' name, Amen."

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

Numb er 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,
Human Resources