Husband Jokes/ Men Jokes

Post your husband or men jokes here.
Marriage jokes from the wife's perspective.
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"Mean" jokes aimed at men....

Here's one from a chick .. I know ....
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Chicks Night Out!


Last night, my friends and I went to a Lady's Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.

She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!

Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.


What could I do?


Then the woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the 80 bucks and went home.

WHO WEARS THE PANTS


A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed,
the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride
and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband.
"I'm the man in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."

She said, "That's right,
and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions:

The one guy says, ... I'm a YUPPIE ... ya know ...
Young Urban Professional

The second guy says, ... I'm a DINK ... ya know ...
Double Income No Kids

They asked the woman, ... What are you?

She replied ... I'm a WIFE ... ya know ...

WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Here's one from my wife.
She's likes it ..
.......................... ehhh ... must be a "chick" thing ....


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HER VERSION vs. HIS VERSION

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I
thought it might have been because I was a bit late.
He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent,
distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental.
I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again.
Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe I should never wear this
color again either. The conversation was so slow going that I
thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so
we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree,
but we went off to this quiet little restaurant and he's STILL
acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and
tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or
something else. He doesn't smile much, so I ask him,
but he says no. But you know, I'm not really sure. I wonder
and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I
bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now. Anyway, in the cab back to his
house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but
doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I
should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything.
We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to
dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the
TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about
10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems
really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I
roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I
just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think
he's met someone else?


HIS STORY:

****ty day at work.... Really tired.... Got laid, though.

What Did The Doctor Say?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."


On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT’S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO.

FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO

FINE,
SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I’M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON’T WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS,
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO.

I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I’M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS ....................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO....
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO!

(Submitted to me by a funny lady - LOL)

Top 15 Ways To Get Out Of Having Sex, 2006 Edition


>> 1. Ask "him" to open a bottle of tylenol, Midol or Aqua -Ban for you.

>> 2. Stay in the bathroom for a while and be sure to flush more than once. Repeat several times over the next few hours for maximum effectiveness being sure to spray plenty of air freshener.

>> 3. Flush toilet several times then yell for the plunger.

>> 4. Send "him" to the store for tampons. Tell him you'll just sit on the toilet and wait for him to return.

>> 5. Send "him" for hemorrhoid medication. Then take a long bubble bath.

>> 6. If you have a bathroom that is in "his" ear shot, close and lock the door. Turn on the exhaust fan. Lift the toilet lid loudly so that it clangs and draws his attention. Make coughing and gagging sounds. Quietly fill your mouth with water from the faucet, stand over the toilet and then blow it out of your mouth with as much force as possible to mimic vomiting. Bend over and shake your head so that your face is flushed. Immediately brush teeth for maximum effect. Be sure to flush several times and spray air freshener.

>> 7. Prepare and leave out your period "crash cart". I have a nice red basket filled with pads and tampons. "He" knows when the trash can and the "crash cart" is out that he won't be getting lucky. Make sure and leave wads of toilet tissue along with tampon wrappers in the trash can. A tampon left unflushed in the toilet can't hurt either. For added effect, just toss in a few red hots candies.

>> 8. Have a fake conversation with your best friend or mother about how your period is lasting for 3 weeks and you don't know why, in his earshot.

>> 9. If out somewhere, ask for quarters for the tampon vending machine.

>> 10. If he tries to wake you in the middle of the night, say you must go and check on the kids first. When you go to check, wake up your child by tickling them. If necessary, pinch them. Sadly go and report to "him" that the baby/child is wide awake and could cry or walk in any minute. Insist that you must go and calm the child and then just sleep with then making sure to position yourself in a manner such that would cause the child to reawaken if you moved.

>> 11. If going out to dinner, and you know you know he's going to have a few drink then want sex when you get homes.... Nip sex in the bud by... waiting till he has a drink or 2. Excuse yourself to the restroom, return and then whisper to him "can you see my pad through my skirt/jeans/shorts?"

>> 12. Just say in an annoyed voice "oh great!! I just started my mothly and it's early again!!!".

>> 13. Say "Could you handle dinner tonight? I feel so sick to my stomach I don't even want to smell or see food". Retreat to your room and watch the soap channel. Try # 2, 3 or 6.>> 14. Sometimes it is necessary to use combinations. Don't hesitate use of the one-two punch for a horn dog. Nothing will turn him off more than a monthly period WITH diarrhea.

>> 15. As a very last resort I advise all women to carry at least (4) .5mg Xanax. (2) should be crushed and ready to be dropped into his drink at any given moment. The other 2 are for you once he's sawing logs. In a pinch a few crushed Tylenol pm work just as well although not as quickly.

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T GIVE OUT ADVICE
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Dear Richard,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told
him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Lisa






Dear Lisa,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Richard

...probably just ran out of petrol

skeeps wrote:...probably just ran out of petrol

Well Skeeps, I'm sorry but the real problem here is, whoever Gave her shoes and let her out of the Kitchen!

A young lady was driving through a built-up area at about 70 mph when
she noticed a motorcycle policeman on her tail. She increased her speed
to 80 mph but the cop hung grimly on her tail. She put her foot down
and pushed the car up to 90, drawing rapidly away from her pursuer.
Suddenly she
saw a garage up ahead and with a squeal of brakes she pulled up in the
forecourt and dashed into the ladies' toilet. Five
minutes later she emerged to find the motor-cycle policeman waiting for
her. With a sweet smile she said, 'I bet you thought
I'd never make it in time.'

I shouldn't worry about it Skeeps Sweetheart you Don't Really need a drivers license, Because there's no road between the kitchen and bed room.

Skeeps is pulled over by a policeman:

Skeeps: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Skeeps: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Skeeps: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Skeeps: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Skeeps: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Skeeps: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Skeeps: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Skeeps: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Skeeps steps out of her vehicle.

Skeeps: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Skeeps: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?

Then Skeeps opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Skeeps: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

Then Skeeps digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and
examines the
license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.

and skeeps looks at that cop and says "Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too."