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Drunk jokes
by architech Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:10 pm
Post your drunk jokes here.
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architech- Admin
- Number of posts : 401
Age : 52
Location : East Coast
Registration date : 2008-11-07
Re: Drunk jokes
by architech Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:10 pm
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.
" I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost.
It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife."
He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.
" I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost.
It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife."
He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
architech- Admin
- Number of posts : 401
Age : 52
Location : East Coast
Registration date : 2008-11-07
Re: Drunk jokes
by architech Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:10 pm
Poor Guys Go Drinking
Two guys wanted to go drinking, but they only had a dollar between them.
One of the fellows looked over at a hot dog wagon nearby, and had a
sudden inspiration. He spent the dollar on a hot dog. He threw the bun
away, and stuffed the hot dog down his underwear.
"We're gonna walk into the bar, order beers and drink them down. When
the bartender asks for payment, I'm gonna stick this hot dog out my fly
and you're gonna drop to your knees and start sucking on it. The
bartender will be so grossed out that he'll immediately throw us out of
the bar," said the guy.
They entered a bar and the gambit worked like a charm.
After the seventh bar, they were both extremely drunk. One of them
started complaining,
"Sheesh, I'm starting to get bad bruises from dropping down on my
knees."
His companion slurred, "You think you got problems? I lost the hot dog
four bars ago!"
Two guys wanted to go drinking, but they only had a dollar between them.
One of the fellows looked over at a hot dog wagon nearby, and had a
sudden inspiration. He spent the dollar on a hot dog. He threw the bun
away, and stuffed the hot dog down his underwear.
"We're gonna walk into the bar, order beers and drink them down. When
the bartender asks for payment, I'm gonna stick this hot dog out my fly
and you're gonna drop to your knees and start sucking on it. The
bartender will be so grossed out that he'll immediately throw us out of
the bar," said the guy.
They entered a bar and the gambit worked like a charm.
After the seventh bar, they were both extremely drunk. One of them
started complaining,
"Sheesh, I'm starting to get bad bruises from dropping down on my
knees."
His companion slurred, "You think you got problems? I lost the hot dog
four bars ago!"
architech- Admin
- Number of posts : 401
Age : 52
Location : East Coast
Registration date : 2008-11-07
Re: Drunk jokes
by architech Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:11 pm
Grape Dude wrote:
A bear walks into a bar in Boston sits down and calls over the bartender. The bartender says "what do you want?"
The bear replies "Gimmee a bottle of beer".
"I'm sorry Mr Bear but it is illegal for a bartender in boston to serve a bottle of beer to a bear in a bar."
The bear says "I don't care. Gimmee a bottle of beer."
the bartender repeats "I told you Mr Bear but it is illegal for a bartender in boston to serve a bottle of beer to a bear in a bar."
Well the bear gets kinda irritated w/ the bartender and says "If you don't get me a bottle of beer, you see that girl over there, I'll eat her."
The bartender says"You do what you gotta do Mr. Bear but I told you, "It's illegal for a bartender in boston to serve a bottle of beer to a bear in a bar."
So the bear gets up, goes over, eats the girl then sits back down and orders a bottle of beer.
The bartender says "Sorry Mr. Bear but we don't serve drug addicts."
The bear completely surprised at the bartenders reaction says "What the h e l l do you mean?" Bartender says "That was a "bar-b i t c h-u-ate."
architech- Admin
- Number of posts : 401
Age : 52
Location : East Coast
Registration date : 2008-11-07
Re: Drunk jokes
by architech Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:12 pm
From Gilbert Godfrey's roast of Bob Saget on Comedy Central channel
[Bob Saget - 8 years of Full House - sitcom dad]
Gilbert says...
"John Stamos walks into a bar and the bartender says we have drink named after you. John replies - what a secret-hag"
(cleaned up - should be f in hag)
The Olson twins walk in a bar and say give us an azz-hurts. and the bartender says how do you make that. and they reply, well Bob Saget comes over with some chocalate milk (And Gilbert implies the little girls fall asleep after drinking the milk and ....)
So Bob Saget walks in the bar and asks for a shot of Bob Saget. the bartender asks how do you make that.... Bob replies....
Well you give me ONE shot - i suck for 8 eight years and you pay me 100 million dollars.
[This is lot more funnier with Gilbert's delivery -]
[Bob Saget - 8 years of Full House - sitcom dad]
Gilbert says...
"John Stamos walks into a bar and the bartender says we have drink named after you. John replies - what a secret-hag"
(cleaned up - should be f in hag)
The Olson twins walk in a bar and say give us an azz-hurts. and the bartender says how do you make that. and they reply, well Bob Saget comes over with some chocalate milk (And Gilbert implies the little girls fall asleep after drinking the milk and ....)
So Bob Saget walks in the bar and asks for a shot of Bob Saget. the bartender asks how do you make that.... Bob replies....
Well you give me ONE shot - i suck for 8 eight years and you pay me 100 million dollars.
[This is lot more funnier with Gilbert's delivery -
]
architech- Admin
- Number of posts : 401
Age : 52
Location : East Coast
Registration date : 2008-11-07
Re: Drunk jokes
by architech Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:13 pm
grape Dude wrote:
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.
She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he craqqed in my pants, too.”
architech- Admin
- Number of posts : 401
Age : 52
Location : East Coast
Registration date : 2008-11-07
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